


The Mixed-up Life of Jimmy/Wade Wilson Jr.

by vassalady



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Marvel (Comics), Marvel (Movies), X-Men (Movies), Young Avengers
Genre: Crack, Crack Pairing, Gen, Kid Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-02
Updated: 2012-06-23
Packaged: 2017-11-04 17:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/396298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vassalady/pseuds/vassalady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jimmy/Wade Jr. doesn't have what one would call a normal family. He is, after all, the genetic clone of Logan (aka Wolverine) and Wade Wilson (aka Deadpool). His parents fight all the time, his grandfathers keep getting arrested by his teachers, and he seriously wonders why the universe ever thought this situation would work out.</p><p>But it could be worse. He loves his family, as messed up as it is, and they do try. Occasionally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What's in a Name?

**Author's Note:**

> Presented non-linearly, this is a series of ficlets centering on a Marvel universe where Logan and Wade are fathers. The time line ranges from the kid's infant years to adulthood, and the often crazy (and occasionally touching) shenanigans that happen to his family.
> 
> Based primarily on the Marvel movies, but with lots of comics thrown into the mix. Any events in any movie, comic, tv show, or even other fanworks may or may not have ever happened in this universe. And even if they do, they probably happened a lot differently.
> 
> Inspired by a conversation with a friend, where I tried to explain to her what was happening in a fic I was reading (this [gem](/works/256017)), and she brilliantly misunderstood and thought that Deadpool and Wolverine were raising a child together. Half of these ideas are hers.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deadpool and Logan need to come up with a name for their kid. They can't have a grown man called "Baby." after all.

Deadpool kicked the door in, bags hanging from his out flung arms, and called, “Lucy, I’m home!”

Logan popped his head out from the kitchen, glaring. “Shut up, he’s finally asleep.” He crept over to Deadpool and took the bags. He rifled through them. “Where are the diapers?”

“What diapers?”

“The ones for the kiddo,” Logan said.

Deadpool thought about this a moment. Oh, yeah, those diapers. “Well, it’s not like I was the one who thought up this crack story of us raising a baby together. I mean, really, it should, like, have two heads or something and eat raw bear.”

Logan snorted. It was one of those snorts that clearly meant, “Wade’s off the wall… as usual.” Logan tended to snort a lot around Deadpool, even when they were having sex. But those snorts meant something a lot more explicit. Not just R-rated. X-rated. Triple X-rated. Oh, yeah, Deadpool had skills.

Deadpool snatched away the bags to unpack them. “So how’s baby doing?”

“Drool, snot, thrown up milk, what else?” Logan reached up to put the Raisin Bran away. Deadpool couldn’t remember why he bought it. He didn’t eat the stuff, and Logan sure as hell didn’t either.

“Aww, aren’t they just charmers at this age?” Deadpool grabbed the cereal from Logan’s hand and put it in its place on the top shelf. Logan snorted again, this time meaning “Stop fucking doing that, or it’s the couch for you forever.” But Deadpool knew that with the right word and right incentive, possibly involving a banana, a case of beer, and some barbed wire, Logan would let him back in. Worked every time, the horn-dog. Mmm, he could for a corn-dog right now. Maybe a brat.

After the groceries were safely tucked away, and Logan dealt with what turned out to be a false alarm with the X-Men, he and Deadpool tried desperately to calm a screaming baby.

“Give him to me,” Logan said.

“No.” Deadpool twirled away. “You’ve had him most of the day.” Deadpool bounced the baby on his shoulder. “You know, we need to start calling him something other than baby. It’s been, what, six months now, and he still doesn’t have a name?”

“You’ve shot down all my ideas,” Logan growled, and it was a growl; Deadpool couldn’t call it anything else.

“Yes, but you wanted to call him Ray, and I hate Toad. What about Ryan? Or even Hugh. Anything but Ray.”

Another one of Logan’s “Fucking crazy ass motherfucker” snorts. “Look, whatever, let’s just give him a damn name. John, Jack, whatever.”

“Tom, Dick, or Harry?”

“Just pick something.”

The baby was still screaming, so Deadpool and Logan had to shout at one another to be heard. Deadpool thought a moment before shouting back, “Jimmy, then.”

“No.”

Deadpool rubbed the baby’s back, whose cries were dying down. “It’s the perfect name. Doesn’t every man want his baby to be named after him?”

Logan smirked then. “So how about Wade Jr.?” he said.

They glared at each other as the baby began to gurgle and hiccup, Deadpool still rubbing his back.

“It’s time for Jimmy’s nap,” he said.

Logan shrugged and walked away. “Don’t forget that Wade Jr. likes that one shit song about a mockingbird best.”

The next day they signed the birth certificate and papers that Xavier had procured for them. At six months and 9 days old, Jimmy/Wade Wilson Jr. was a legal US citizen.


	2. Blond and Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy/Wade Jr. comes home from his first semester at college to find things a little changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References events in Deadpool #54 and earlier. Flippant references to suicide.

With the semester over, Jimmy/Wade Jr. was more or less happy to return home. More happy because he loved his parents (and he had missed them), and he heard Jubilee was in town. She had to pay up on a bet. Less happy because Marla would be in New Mexico all summer, and Jimmy/Wade Jr. didn't know how well he'd fare with a long-distance relationship. Also, he had to deal with his parents.

The moment he arrived home, bags piled up in the doorway, his dad flung himself at him. "Jimmy! Back in the bosom of your family!" Wade crushed Jimmy/Wade Jr's face into his own bosom and ruffled his hair.

"Hey, dad," Jimmy/Wade Jr. said, straightening up. He flattened down his hair. "Is pop home, too?"

"Yup." His dad's face fell, the expression clear despite his Deadpool mask. "We're kind of having a... moment, though."

"Is that Junior?" his pop shouted from within the house. He came into the foyer and breathed out his cigar smoke while gesturing them inside. "Don't stand there all day."

"Hi, pop. You doing alright?"

Logan snorted. "Ask your dad."

Jimmy/Wade Jr. didn't expect his homecoming to be quite like this. Wade wandered off, and Jimmy/Wade Jr. hauled his bags to his room. Half way through unpacking, his dads started yelling at each other. Very normal. Very being at home. But this time, something wasn't quite right.

"You gotta tell him sometime!" There was more of a growl than usual to his pop's voice.

"But he just got home! Let's give him the time to kick back, relax, hide his porn collection first."

"Take that off now."

"No."

And then, as always-

But there was no shot. There was no protest from his dad about the suit having tear marks again. There was silence.

Jimmy/Wade Jr. shivered. What had happened? It couldn't have been anything about his grandpas - no matter what they got in, his dads acted like nothing happened. The school then? Had Jean Phoenixed out again? But Wade wouldn't care about that.

He dropped his underwear on the bed. Unpacking could wait.

His dads were sitting on opposite sides of the table, and they weren't looking at each other. That wasn't unusual. But they weren't doing anything else, either. No gun cleaning, no cigar smoking, no knitting. They were just sitting there.

"Look, just because I'm away at school doesn't mean you have any right to keep things from me," he said to them.

Logan glanced at him. Wade shrugged his shoulders. "It's nothing important, really! It'll be retconned by next year anyway!"

"Wade."

"This doesn't make you out to be a pretty princess either, you know."

"Say that to my-"

"Dads!"

They shut up. It was at least one thing they listened to him about. "Just tell me, okay?"

His dad readjusted his mask before replying. "See, Jimmy, things got a little, well, uh, rough for me, yeah? I kind of almost died."

"Got suicidal, you mean," Logan said.

Jimmy/Wade Jr. decided he should sit for this. "How... Why, Dad?"

Logan pulled a vigar out of his pocket and lit it. "He was feeling abandoned after Christmas. Even though he knew you'd be back."

"Hey! Scrambled brains here! And you went rather violently after me." Wade turned to Jimmy/Wade Jr. "We didn't want you to worry about us, that's all. No biggie, next month's issue will always come, but you've got deadlines to meet, parties to go to, and hot chicks to bone."

"School's important," Logan said. "You can do something with that. Better than us here. You shouldn't get wrapped up in our shit."

"And if that English degree goes nowhere, there're still openings at McDonald's. You can get me free burgers. The thing is... I look a little different now, Jimmy. Don't faint or anything, okay?" Wade took off his mask.

Jimmy/Wade Jr. wasn't quite sure what to say. He'd grown up with his dad dressed sometimes in his Deadpool costume and sometimes clad in nothing but booty shorts. His mottled skin wasn't a surprise.

The smooth, flawless skin and tousled blond hair was.

"You really do look like Ryan Reynolds." It was all he could manage to come up with.

"I know, right? It's awesome!"

"Tell him the rest, Wade."

Of course there was more. There always was. Like the time with the taco machine, and Jimmy/Wade Jr. missed school for a week.

Wade scratched his head, and Jimmy/Wade Jr. felt extremely uncomfortable. This highly attractive man didn't look anything like his father, and except for Wade's enthusiasm about looking like Ryan Reynolds, neither of his dads seemed particularly happy about this. He didn't feel particularly happy about this.

"Does this mean your cancer is gone?" That would be good news.

"I guess," Wade said. He bit his lip, which seemed so unlike him.. "I don't have a healing factor anymore."

Jimmy/Wade Jr. felt his stomach drop. That explained the lack of violence earlier. His pop could actually kill his dad now. But it was how they kept themselves sane. It was how they worked through their relationship problems. Sure, Wade had hired a family therapist once, but that hadn't ended well for anyone.

"Gone? How?"

"It's a long story. You can read about it if you want, actually, no, don't do that, Daken likes getting presents from you even if he won't admit it, and I'm not going to ruin a beautiful family tradition-"

Logan's claws stopped just short of Wade's aesthetically tousled hair.

"Dads!" Jimmy/Wade Jr. stood, knocking his chair over. "Just... just stop, okay?" He brought his hands up to his face. "I haven't seen you for a semester. I come home to find you've been keeping secrets from me. And this is a big life changer." He looked at his dads, and neither would meet his eye.

"Hey, it's no so bad, kiddo," Wade said. "Maybe I can get an acting career now!"

"Dad, please." Jimmy/Wade Jr. righted the chair and pushed it in. "Look, I am going to finish unpacking, process this, and then you are going to tell me everything you‘ve kept from me. Everything. And we will sort this out and figure out what to do as a family." Jimmy/Wade Jr. decided this was the perfect moment to leave, or he might have a hard time forgiving his fathers for awhile.

He could hear his dads talking from the hallway, and he paused to listen.

"He's mad," Wade said.

"What made you guess that?"

"He's growing up, though."

"Yeah. They do that."

"Aww, are you feeling sentimental?"

"Shut up." Logan didn't sound angry.

"What do you think he'll say when we tell him what really happened to Max?"

"Shit. Pass the vodka, would ya?"

Jimmy/Wade Jr. closed his eyes, counted to ten, and then sighed. It was still good to be home despite this latest family emergency.


	3. A Mother's Day Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade isn't Jimmy/Wade Jr.'s mother, but he takes advantage of the day anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't seen the video in question, it's [here.](http://youtu.be/KgLuJuGINf4)

"Oh, Logan, you shouldn't have!"  
  
"Shouldn't have what?" Logan looked up from his paper. Jimmy/Wade Jr. was stretched out on the floor with a coloring book. Wade sat at the computer, twisted halfway around in his chair, wearing that ugly Hawaiian shirt Logan still hadn't gotten around to accidentally tearing to shreds.  
  
Wade waved him over, grinning. "It really is very sweet of you, I mean, I work all day long, and I definitely deserve a day off.  
  
Logan went back to his paper. "Good for you."  
  
"Don't play coy-"  
  
"Dads?" Jimmy/Wade Jr. said. Logan put down the paper again. Jimmy/Wade Jr. was fiddling with his crayons. "Is this going to be a big fight? Because someone needs to take me to Joey's. It's his birthday today."   
  
"I'll take you," Logan said. He and Wade had talked things over and decided that, at least until Jimmy/Wade Jr. was old enough to give directions himself, Wade wouldn't be taking him anywhere. Wade still swore that abandoned mall hadn't been abandoned last time he checked.  
  
Jimmy/Wade Jr. smiled at him. Then he went back to his coloring.  
  
"Just look at this, Logan."  
  
Making more of a show of reluctance than he really felt, Logan went over to Wade. It was a Sunday, and he was bored. He could humor Wade. He rested his hands on the back of Wade's chair while he peered at the screen. It was on Youtube.  
  
"This isn't that poptart rainbow-shitting cat thing, is it?"  
  
"It's better. A present from you." Wade turned his head to wetly kiss Logan's cheek. Logan rubbed the spit away.  
  
Wade clicked play. Some froufrou looking guy talked about some shit about Mother's Day and musicals and vacuuming.  
  
It took him a moment to recognize who it was: that guy Wade insisted was him. They looked nothing alike. The actor was a foot taller and not built like a brick, for starters. And he was Australian.  
  
"Once you vacuum, don't forget the dishes and the laundry, okay? Oh, wait, it was already your turn for all of those anyway." Wade clapped Logan on the back. "Well, you can just do them for a week for me!"  
  
"No."  
  
"Come on, it's Mother's Day!"  
  
"You're not a mother."  
  
"But June's forever from now!"  
  
"No."  
  
"Dads?" They both faced Jimmy/Wade Jr.   
  
He looked at them for a moment before speaking. "If Daddy wants to be my mommy, I guess he can. But, Daddy, I don't think you can make Dad do your chores. Remember when-"  
  
"Yeah, let's not bring that one up," Wade cut in.   
  
Wade let the Mother's Day thing go, and they settled back into the quiet dullness of the day.  
  
Logan still ended up taking Wade's turn for laundry for the rest of the week, though.


	4. Risk of Abuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy/Wade Jr. gets called to Professor Xavier's office one morning and ends up being examined by Dr. McCoy.

When class began that day, Miss Jean Grey looked at Jimmy/Wade Jr. and told him Professor Xavier was expecting him in his office. Right away.

Jimmy/Wade Jr. grabbed his books and left the room, wondering what his dads could have done in the ten minutes since he last saw them. Quite a lot, of course. But to call him right away to the Professor’s office? It had to be big.

When Jimmy/Wade Jr. arrived outside the too familiar office door, it opened before he knocked.

“Ah, Wade, good to see you,” Professor Xavier said as he wheeled out. “Come with me. We’ll talk as we go.”

“Where are we headed?” Jimmy/Wade Jr. asked as he fell in just a step behind him.

“I need to see Dr. McCoy,” he said. “So tell me, Wade, how are you?”

“I’m okay."

"Everything going well at home?"

"Yeah." Jimmy/Wade Jr. didn't see the point of all this.

"How are Logan and Wade?"

"They're okay." Everything was predictable at home. They'd fought that morning before taking him to school. His daddy had cut the couch in two "by accident," although Jimmy/Wade Jr. thought he was lying about that.

They arrived at Dr. McCoy's office, and Mr. Summers was there, too. He grinned at Jimmy/Wade Jr. and patted his head.

"There you are!" Dr. McCoy said. He picked Jimmy/Wade Jr. up and put on him on the examining table. Jimmy/Wade Jr. was a little put out by that. He was seven, after all. He didn't need people lifting him up onto anything.

"How are you doing, Wade?" Dr. McCoy asked.

Jimmy/Wade Jr. shrugged. "I'm fine. Professor Xavier already asked me."

"Yes. Well." Dr. McCoy picked up one of his tools from the desk. "We're all glad to hear it." He held up the tool. "If I could, I just need to check to make sure you're not sick, okay, Wade?"

Jimmy/Wade Jr. nodded and held out his arm as Dr. McCoy instructed. They'd done this a few times before when he was a little younger. "To check for mutant genes," they said.

But this was different. This time, it hurt.

"Ow!"

"Sorry about that," Dr. McCoy said. He stroked Jimmy/Wade Jr.'s hair for a moment.

"It's alright," Professor Xavier said. He rolled up closer to the table. "You're being a very good boy."

Jimmy/Wade Jr. held his arm to his chest. It didn't hurt anymore, but he still remembered the brief burst of pain.

All three of the men moved further away to one of Dr. McCoy's machines. They spoke quietly, but Jimmy/Wade Jr. had excellent hearing. It wasn't something special like his dad's claws, he just could hear well.

Mr. Summers kept glancing back at him. "How exactly can we tell if he's been injured recently? If his healing factor is as strong as Logan's or Wilson's, there's no way any wound would last long."

Dr. McCoy fiddled with the machine. "We should still be able to see elevated cell activity, a sort of residual aftereffect."

"It would be quickest if I dipped into his mind," Professor Xavier said. "These are special circumstances."

Mr. Summers nodded.

"You agreed-" Dr. McCoy began, but Jimmy/Wade Jr. cut in.

"My daddies said to not let you read my mind," he said. The three adults looked back at him, and then they didn't say anything more, although their faces and hands remained very expressive. This was what his dads had called a telepathic conversation. They said to be wary of them.

Jimmy/Wade Jr. didn't understand why. They were talking while pretending Jimmy/Wade Jr. wasn't there, but all grown-ups talked like he wasn't there. He just couldn't overhear them this time.

He started to get bored. Finally, Mr. Summers slammed his hand on the table and shouted, "It's not Logan I'm worried about! We're talking about Wade Wilson, Deadpool! Psychopathic mercenary! I wouldn't trust him with as much as a fish."

"No one's disagreeing with you, Scott," Professor Xavier said.

But Mr. Summers was really angry. He marched over to Jimmy/Wade Jr., who shied away from the man.

"Wade, has Deadpool ever done anything to you?" he said.

Jimmy/Wade Jr. could see his distorted face in Mr. Summers's lenses. "He makes me dry the dishes."

"Has he ever hit you? Hurt you in any way?"

Jimmy/Wade Jr. shook his head. "Daddy dropped a pie in my lap last week. He forgot he was holding it. But I got to eat the whole thing with my dog." Max had felt ill for a few days after, though. His daddies had decided Max couldn't have any more treats.

"Are you telling me the truth? You can tell me, nothing will-"

"Scott, he's telling the truth." Professor Xavier held a hand to his forehead.

Dr. McCoy looked shocked. "Charles!"

"It's alright, Hank. This concerned Wade's wellbeing. And, Scott, you're scaring the boy."

Mr. Summers seemed to realize just how close he was to Jimmy/Wade Jr. He backed away quickly, and Jimmy/Wade Jr. was thankful.

"Can I go now, please?" Jimmy/Wade Jr. felt sick to his stomach. He just wanted to be in class and then go home like normal.

Professor Xavier let him go, and while Jimmy/Wade Jr. slipped through the door, he overheard Mr. Summers say, "He could still be abused later."

"I agree with you, Scott, but we have to trust Logan to keep a watchful eye."

Jimmy/Wade Jr. didn't understand the word "abused." But it sounded scary.

He was going to tell his dads the whole thing when he got home that day. They could tell him what "abused" meant.


	5. Congratulations, It's a Boy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade Wilson, aka Deadpool, gets a tip-off on some super secret lab, but he's surprised by what he finds. Thankfully, he didn't actually have to suffer through a pregnancy for this one. (This isn't Smallville, after all.)

_The celebrated assassin stalked the hallways, searching for something that he knew little about. Whatever these halls held, it could be anything. He didn't know this place existed until just the week before, when a mysterious, husky-voiced stranger called._

_“They’re experimenting,” the mysterious, husky-voiced stranger said over the crackling phone._

_“I don’t take threats lightly,” the exceedingly handsome mercenary said, towel clutched around his dripping groin, fresh from the shower. He swept a hand to brush his wet gorgeous locks out of his eyes._

_“This isn’t a threat. This is a tip-off. If you don’t listen, well… I won’t be held responsible for what happens.”_

_And so here he was, suited up, armed, dangerous. Prepared to do whatever it took to-_

“Oh, shut up, will you?” Deadpool pointed his gun at the sirens and fired off several rounds. More sirens sounded throughout the rest of the complex. “I hate having my narration interrupted.” He twirled the gun and continued on his way, singing now, using the sirens as the base of his melody.

“Make my heart go boom, boom!” he sang, shooting down two guards. “Whoops! I did it again.” There went a scientist. Deadpool pirouetted into the main research hall, bullets spraying outward. When he came to rest, he took a bow. When no one applauded, he looked up and around and saw only corpses. 

He sighed. “I should really stop having such good aim,” he said.

The bullets had cut through the computers, cables, people, and human-sized test tubes that leaked a mildly viscous liquid. Papers, folders, and files were strewn across the desks and floors, many covered in debris and blood.

“Well, isn’t that just great? You’d think they could afford to hire a janitor or something. How can they work like this?”

He picked his way through the lab, glancing at this paper or that or shooting another bullet into a fritzing computer. His own name, his real name, listed on one red, sticky sheet caught his eye .

“Blah, blah, Wade Wilson, blah, blah, cancerous cells, yeah, whatever. Tell me something I don’t know.” He reached the bottom of the page. “’The DNA of subject X-1, aka Wolverine, herein listed as X-1, appears to effectively counter the effects…’ Now we’re talking.”

Deadpool searched for more details on this experimental project the sheet mentioned, and he found only snippets and vague references. Some kind of cloning thing, unspecific.

That was when he found it. There was one broken tube, leaking slowly, and in it, near the bottom, was a baby hooked up to dying machines. Underneath it, a plaque read: 

_Experiment 14  
Healing Factor  
(Toast)_

“Aww, what a cutie!” Deadpool reached in, unhooked the baby, and within seconds of it reaching the air, it started screaming.

 

Logan crushed his fifth can of beer and tossed it in the corner with the others. It was going to be a long night. The X-Men had him on call, which meant if he went to the bar, Scott would get up his ass so hard, Logan would have to do something drastic like kill him to shut him up.

The phone rang. Great. Logan answered. “Yeah?”

“I skipped a month.”

Logan’s stomach dropped. Who? How? Rule Number One, Rule Number One! And then his brain processed the voice, and he growled, “What do you want, Wilson?”

“Remember that thing we had a few months ago? The bar, the alley, the ten inch spike?”

Of course Logan remembered. He sometimes still got off on it, remembering, but he wasn’t about to tell Wilson that. “What about it?”

“Looks like someone got it into their heads to make a clone baby of us. So, congratulations, you’re a daddy now! And I expect you to pay child support, since you‘re the one who did this to me.”

The last thing Logan thought before he hit the floor was he’d have to revise Rule Number One.

 

One month later, Logan, Wade Wilson, and a month old baby moved in together. Three months after that, Logan and Wade started sharing a room. When any of the X-Men called the house, and Wade answered, they quickly learned not to comment, as Logan made them pay for each new telephone out of their own pocket.


	6. The Axe Was a Giveaway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy/Wade Jr.'s headed out the door when his parents stop him because he smells like Axe.

"I'll be back later!" Jimmy/Wade Jr. said as he opened the front door.

Unfortunately, that's as far as he got.

"Where are you going?" Logan called from the living room.

"Just out," Jimmy/Wade Jr. said.

Wade appeared from somewhere, and he took a good look at Jimmy/Wade Jr. "Where to? Because I smell Axe. Logan, what about you?"

"I'm just hanging out with a friend." Usually that was enough.

But his parents decided to switch things up today. Logan strolled in, and they looked him up and down. Jimmy/Wade Jr. resisted scratching his head. He had used a ton of gel that morning to get it just right.

"Definitely Axe," Logan said. He tapped the ash off the end of his cigar. Jimmy/Wade Jr. had never found the action quite so intimidating.

"Where exactly are you going and who with?" his dad said. Jimmy/Wade Jr. saw his fingers twitch, but he didn't have any weapons on him, not any Jimmy/Wade Jr. could see at least.

His dads were cornering him, and he was starting to sweat in his white polo shirt. He knew he should have gone with the black. Sweat stains would be horrible.

"It's just some girl..."

"I knew it!" Wade looked triumphant. "Finally! I thought we'd turned you off of sex!**"

Jimmy/Wade Jr. exchanged a look with Logan, who just shrugged before walking off.

"Look, I really should get going, or I'm going to be late."

"Hold on a second." Logan came back and tossed a paper bag to him. "Take that with you."

"What is it?"

Logan said, "Remember Rule Number One," just as Jimmy/Wade Jr. pulled out a box of condoms. Ribbed condoms.

His cheeks burned. "It's a first date!"

Wade placed a hand on Jimmy/Wade Jr.'s shoulder. "We're just concerned about you," he said. "We don't want Daken having a niece or nephew to team up with. Not yet, anyway."

"It's fine!" Jimmy/Wade Jr. shoved the box into his dad's hands. "Look, can I just go now? I'm going to be late."

"After you tell us who she is and where you'll be," Logan said.

It was a lost cause. If he didn't tell them, they'd end up locking him in the basement again. Yes, the first time had been an accident, but they had since used it as a very effective threat.

Jimmy/Wade Jr. refused to meet their eyes while he muttered, "Cassie Lang."

"Stature?" Wade said. He bounced up and down. "I'm a huge fan! Well, not huge, if you know what I mean. But I don't think you're big enough to handle her."

Jimmy/Wade Jr. blushed again. "Dad! Pop, make him stop."

Logan didn't look happy. "You're going all the way to the city?"

"No, she's walking here. We're going to the movie theater on Main."

Wade began laughing. "I'd love to see that! Better be careful not to crush any cars."

"Where'd you meet her?" Logan said.

"That field trip I had a couple weeks ago."

"Smooth," Wade said. "Get your asses rescued by the Young Avengers, and you get a date out of it! Give me a high five!"

Jimmy/Wade Jr. did not give him a high five. Wade looked disappointed.

"Look, can I just go now?"

Logan nodded. "But only if you take these with you."

Jimmy/Wade Jr. took the condom box without further comment and fled the house. He tossed them in the bushes on the way out.

Of course, his dad took that as an invitation to crash the date, guns blazing and in full costume, to give them back to him. "You forgot something, tacolicious chimichanga-pie!"

Cassie looked horrified. Jimmy/Wade Jr. wanted to die. And the movie ended up being a pretty bad one, too.

He threw out both his Axe and his hair gel when he got home. Jimmy/Wade Jr. refused to talk to either of his fathers for the next three days.

 

**Deadpool here! These notes work better in comic books. Anyway, reference to “Birds and Bees (and Rule Number One)”, coming soon to a webpage near you! --DP


	7. Birds and Bees (and Rule Number One)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy/Wade Jr. asks about sex. Instead, he learns about porn.

Jimmy/Wade Jr. soon wished he had never told his parents that some of the kids at school were talking about sex.

“Do you know what sex is, Jimmy?” his daddy asked as he fiddled with his Glock.

Jimmy/Wade Jr. shook his head. “Not really,” he said. “They just said it’s what grown-ups do. And it’s how babies are made.”

“Damn right,” Logan said around his cigar. “All you need to know, kid, is rule number one: don’t get a girl pregnant.”

Jimmy/Wade Jr. just chewed his lip, confused.

Wade looked up from cleaning his guns. “Funny you should say that, since you do have a couple baby Wolverines running around.”

“Just once, Wade,” Logan growled. “Junior doesn’t count. You didn’t get pregnant with him.”

“Oh, but imagine if I did!”

Logan stabbed Wade’s hand while he passed Jimmy/Wade Jr. the bowl of peas.

Jimmy/Wade Jr. loaded his plate with peas. He was the only one who ate them anyway. His parents bought vegetables because the felt they had to. If Jimmy/Wade Jr. didn’t like them, they would rot in the fridge for months.

After a surprisingly peaceful dinner (Wade only shot off one round, and only after Logan almost dropped cigar ash on his favorite pistol), Jimmy/Wade Jr. was led into his parents’ room by his daddy.

Wade reached into his closet and dragged out a large box. In it were dozens of videos.

“Let’s see,” he said, and he sifted through them.

“What are you doing?” Jimmy/Wade Jr. asked, nervous. He never knew what his daddy could get him into. He picked up a rejected video and dropped it as son as he saw a naked lady strapped down to table on the cover.

“Here we go!” Wade said. He held up a video and waved it in front of Jimmy/Wade Jr., excitedly enough that he couldn’t tell what was on the cover. “This’ll teach you more about sex than any snotty-nosed brat. This will also make you cool. Super cool. Like, Johnny Depp, Johnny Storm, or even Wil Wheaton cool.”

They settled on the bed, Jimmy/Wade Jr. laying on his stomach, chin propped up between his hands, and his dad stretched out next to him, head on a pillow. "You're in for a treat!" his daddy said while poking his shoulder with a toe. 

The video started.

Jimmy/Wade Jr. had never imagined sex could be so wet. Really wet. And with a terrible yellow color to everything, too.

Did he just-? What was that she was doing? That was just-.

"Ew!" Jimmy/Wade Jr. covered his eyes. "Daddy! Turn it off!"

His dad laughed beside him. "You'll like it soon enough."

Logan walked in while Jimmy/Wade Jr. watched in horrified fascination as a woman was with two huge men - and one was playing with her butt. A lot.

"Jimmy. Leave now," his dad said.

He was all too happy to comply. In the hall, he heard his parents start yet another fight.

"He's too young for porn!"

"Hey, I grew up on this stuff!"

"Coulda picked something tamer, at least!"

"But I love this one!"

And then after a while, they got real quiet. The kind of quiet Jimmy/Wade Jr. accidentally came home early to once. He decided to play outside. Once they got noisy, none of the rooms in the house were soundproof enough.

If there was one thing Jimmy/Wade Jr. had always known about sex, it was that it started quiet, but got really loud.

He decided he really didn't want to know more ever. He noted never to ask his parents about anything ever again.


	8. Give 'Em What They Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy/Wade Jr. comes home to find that Wade has left them, and Deadpool moves in with his new lover. He wonders if maybe they'll end up having a clone baby, too!

When Jimmy/Wade Jr. returned home after school, the house was eerily silent. The door was unlocked, but the lights were all off. The TV was off. The basement was dark. His parents’ bedroom was a mess.

They had procedures set down for this. People to call, the X-Men, the Brotherhood, even the Avengers if it was a real emergency. But there were no new scorch marks or broken walls, so Jimmy/Wade Jr. wasn't ready to call it an emergency yet.

He found his pop in the basement. "Why are the lights off?"

Logan sat on the couch with a number of empty bottles strewn about him and cigar butts littering the cushions.

"Pop? What's wrong?"

"Your dad's gone."

He felt anxious. His dad had been gone before, but Logan had never responded like this. "What gone? Arrested gone? Dead gone? Zapped to an alternate dimension gone?"

"He left. Took his things with him." His pop raised the bottle of hard liquor, but it was empty. He threw it against the wall. It shattered. "Sorry, kid, he took your autographed Ryan Reynolds photo."

Jimmy/Wade Jr. felt numb. "Oh," he said. He leaned against the doorframe. "It was signed for him, anyway."

They stayed like that for a long time. Jimmy/Wade Jr. didn't know how to ask why his dad had left. Rationally, he knew it shouldn't be a huge surprise. His friends’ parents didn't act towards each other the way his parents did. Ever since he hit puberty, he became very much aware of how different his family was. But it somehow still worked.

Now what could he say?

"He could have waited for me to come home," he said at last.

His pop opened another bottle. After taking a swig, he held it out to Jimmy/Wade Jr. "Want some, kid?"

"I'm underage."

Logan looked at the bottle, then back at his son. "Just this once."

Normally, Jimmy/Wade Jr. would never touch alcohol. But he felt that maybe, as his pop said, just this once would be okay. He carefully brushed up the cigar butts, tossing them away, and then sat down. After hesitating a moment longer, he accepted the bottle and took a swig.

He coughed and spit it out. It dribbled down his front. "That's disgusting."

"Whatever, junior." Logan took the bottle back and drank some more.

"I'm going to change."

As he headed up the stairs, Logan called, "Your dad took half your clothes, too."

Jimmy/Wade Jr. just sat down at the top of the steps. His dad was really gone for good, wasn't he?

 

"Rorschach and Deadpool! A nut and a fool!" Deadpool flipped the pancakes as he sang, making up the words as he went. 

All of a sudden, webbing knocked the spatula from his hand. A pancake smacked into the ceiling, splattering it with half-cooked batter.

Deadpool turned, grinning. "You're home! And just in time for dinner. I didn't know what you liked best, so I'm working on a variety of pancake flavors." What was there so far? Banana, chocolate chip, jalapeño... "And bacon flavored!" He was especially proud of those. Mm, bacon.

Spider-man was glaring at him. At least, Deadpool thought he was. It was hard to tell with the mask on, and with Spider-man hanging upside down from the ceiling, that didn't make it easier

"How'd you get in here?" Spider-man said.

"You locked the door, so I broke the bedroom window." Deadpool crossed his arms and tilted his head, considering Spider-man. "You sound angry. Rough day?"

"What is all this stuff doing here?"

"What stuff?"

Spider-man dropped down. "This stuff!" He gestured to the piled boxes that filled the apartment.

"Well, I didn't have time to unpack yet, what with dinner and-"

"Get out." Spider-man pointed to the door.

Typical. First day together, and they were already having relationship problems. People were going to start thinking he was actually Tony Stark. Although, maybe that wasn't so bad...

"Sorry, what did you say?"

"Get. Out."

"This isn't anyway to treat your boyfriend."

Spider-man's hand dropped, and he appeared very surprised. Then he went back to glaring. Or maybe it was just some gastro-intestinal problems. They looked the same for Deadpool.

In a tight voice, Spider-man said, "We are not a couple."

Deadpool gasped. "How could you? It's all over the internet! I left my family for you."

"What are you talking about?" Spider-man was shouting now. That was uncalled for.

"You really don't know?" Deadpool considered that for a moment. But he was pretty sure he'd seen... "Check out youlikehotdogs dot tumblr dot com, I'm sure photos of us are archived there." He thought about it again. "I don't think I mod that one..."

"Get out!" Spider-man grabbed him and shoved him out the door. He slammed it shut after Deadpool.

Staying on the ground where he'd landed, Deadpool reconsidered the important facts about his life.

"I know I have a Thor and a Captain America blog... But what's my password for those?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Deadpool sings is from [this](http://youtu.be/G39GgvCjTZs), and the blog he talks about is [here](http://youlikehotdogs.tumblr.com). And thanks to Ebyru, who showed me the tumblr and reminded me about Rorschach and Deadpool.


End file.
